There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
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