actually, I'm a sock model
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
