I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
