My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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