So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize