You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
