I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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