Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just found a bag of teeth...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
