I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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