i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
