you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
