im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
