oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
