Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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