My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
