I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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