Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
