I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
