Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
