It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
