Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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