I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I want to fling myself into the sun
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
