I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
