i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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