some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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