if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
