i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
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