I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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