Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
