it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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