i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
