I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
