I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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