you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
where are you?
Hypothermia
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
