I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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