On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
