i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
