i think my tv is drunk
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
