Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
