Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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