He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
