I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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