first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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