Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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