I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
