I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
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Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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