i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
