the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
