I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
