His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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