my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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