Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Blood and glitter go together right?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
