So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
