I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
