Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
